Working on the Marriage Before the Wedding

Will the Marriage Last? Of course, all engaged couples believe their love is the exception to all statistics and trends...but the truth is, many marriages will fail. A Professional Wedding Guest is keenly tuned in to the signs, and can predict to within a month when a particular marriage will crumble. Cynical? Maybe...but rarely are we wrong. Those signs, sadly enough, are apparent on the wedding day.



The first sign: The bride and groom dance without looking at each other at all. They look around the room, signal to their friends, maybe do the obligatory head on the shoulder for a nanosecond, then resume their scanning of the hall. It shows us that there is no intimacy between the couple, and that the mere effort of making eye-contact is too strenous to endure. We also might assume that you have gotten into a rather large fight and have yet to make up. That speaks volumes. Married time prediction: 5 years. Times proven right: 1



The second sign: The bride and/or groom shove cake into their loved one's face. We're not talking a playful little dot of cream on the nose; we're talking full-fledged-cake-as-a-second- layer-of-make-up-shove. If I were a trained psychologist, which I am not, I would say it was symptom of passive-aggressive behavior and the bride or groom is transferring his/her deep-seeded resentment and anger into the cake and thus, onto the new spouse. Married time prediction: 2 years. Times proven right: 3.



The third sign: The bride and/or groom spends more time at the bar throwing back shots of Jack Daniels than with the new spouse. Even worse - one half of the wedded couple actually did this before the wedding. Do I really need to interpret this behavior? Married time prediction: 3 years. Times proven right: 2.

The fourth sign: Neither side is willing to visit the other side's friends or family. At one wedding that I attended as a PWG, I had never met the bride. Six hours later, on my way home, I still hadn't met the bride. Married time prediction: 18 months. Actual: 11 months.

This is not to say that you should both prep to avoid these wedding danger signs...they are unavoidable if the foundation of your relationship was built on assumptions and pre-conceived notions based on a few episodes of Desperate Housewives. But, the marriage can be made solid and last forever IF you both spend more time working on the marriage BEFORE you plan the wedding.

Ask and openly discuss these simple questions:

1. How many children do you want? If it's the difference between 2 and 3, you're in good shape. If the answers are something like: just a cat, and 12 - this is a serious discrepancy that will never be overcome.

2. Who will handle the bills? Follow-up questions: Joint account or separate accounts or both? It does not work - ever - if two people think they are both in charge of making sure the electric bill is paid. Chances are, you'll be reading in the dark. If you shared living arrangements before the wedding, did you have a joint account or was it divided up equally? Do you expect that to change? Does your future spouse?

3. Where will you live? It's whimsical and romantic to think that you'll go anywhere life takes you, but this outlook is always destined for failure. Does he think he's moving next door to his parents? Does she think she's living in her college-town the rest of her life? You needn't decide on the color of the bathroom, but you do need to know if one of you has a vastly different view of happily-ever-after. Even if you lived together before the marriage - that doesn't mean you'll end up there for the rest of your lives. Goals are an important part of one's relationship.

4. Gender-specific chores? You may think he's enlightened and is willing to dust, but unless you've witnessed this in action - you don't know for sure. Can she change the oil on the lawn-mower? Do you expect her to? What about after the kids are born? This is not a time to make a chore list with little checkmarks proving the job has been done. This is a time to discuss your expectations and willingness to compromise. We tend to believe that the way we grew up is the way it will always be. Maybe your father always handled the barbeque - but if your future-husband lived in a 4th floor apartment all his life - he may not be up on the latest Bobby Flay grilling techniques.

5. What role will faith and religion play in your lives? Will those views change once you have children? If you are both of different religions, it can certainly work out, and has in many instances. But only if you discuss this ahead of time. Do you expect the other person to convert to your religion? Do you expect the children to be raised as you were? And if you both share the same religion, how faithful are you? Does he expect to go to church every Sunday while she views Sundays as her day to sleep-in? This division will be more apparent as the years go on, especially if your level of faith deepens.

6. Intimacy. If what goes on in bed is bad, it's 90% of the marriage. If it's good, it's 10% of the marriage. These issues need to be discussed now. All the past baggage, pre-conceived notions, and what happens if one of you is not satisfied have to be thrown on the table and figured out. Dissatisfaction with your romantic life leads to infidelity, which brings about another question - are you willing to forgive your spouse for cheating on you?

7. What role will your friends play? Do you like each other's friends? If the answer is a resounding "no," your marriage will have troubles immediately. Do you have joint friends or is everything separate? Will you visit your friends only on your lunch hour or expect to have them over every weekend? Time with friends is important and encouraged, but using your friends to avoid your spouse is one step behind calling a lawyer.

The bottom line is this: first be honest with yourself, then be honest with your future husband or wife. Marriage should be a lifetime commitment, and getting a divorce is messy and painful. If you think you can live with him throwing his dirty socks on the coffee table, then you'll be fine. If you think you can live with him being an atheist while you were an altar server for 10 years, then you need to look hard at why you're still considering a lifetime commitment with this person.

Tackle these issues now, and you'll be in for an lifetime of happiness and a wedding that no Professional Wedding Guest will be able to analyze.