The Toast

Nothing is quite as memorable (or occasionally infamous) as the toast. And in modern weddings, it's not uncommon to sit through toasts by the best man, maid-of-honor, father-of-the-bride, mother-of-the-bride, the bride herself, the minister, the caterer, the bus-boy and the limo driver. So, I've compiled some tips as only I, The Professional Wedding Guest, have the expertise to do.

1. Write the toast ahead of time, but for the love of all-things-matrimonial, please do not read it verbatim. Until banquet halls start offering tele-prompt-er packages, no good can come from a drawn-out speech read into your palm while balancing a glass of the best bubbly with the other. There's no better way to put an entire room to sleep than to read your toast in a monotone voice. Bullet points on cue cards are OK - but if you can't memorize the gist of it, then abort and start again.

2. The champagne should be sipped after the toast. The bottle should not be drained (by you) before the toast. There are about 136 people in the room with video capabilities on their cell phones, and they're not afraid to use them! You will be on youtube before the bride cuts the cake, and it won't be pretty. Stay sober, at least through your toast, and speak clearly.

3. Good-natured roasting is not only funny, but encouraged. Who doesn't like a good rip about the groom's overactive sweat glands? However, mean-spirited bashing of the bride and groom is rude and offensive. You may think it would be a complete riot to talk about the groom's past indiscretions with the cheer leading squad at your old alma-mater, but I can assure you that nobody else would. Chances are, if you go that route, your ties with the new couple will be severed forever. Not to mention, payback is guaranteed. You may not think these things through now - but you should.

4. Quick and to the point. Please. We Professional Wedding Guests should not have to hire a professional trainer 2 months before the wedding to build up our triceps in order to keep that increasingly heavier glass of champagne above our shoulders for 30 minutes straight. Speak from the heart - just do it in a timely fashion.

5. And speaking from the heart is where it all comes together. This is not about YOU. You are not auditioning for Last Comic Standing. It does not matter how witty or well-spoken you are, only that you mean what you say. Remember, you were chosen because of your relationship to the bride and/or groom. That's as special as it gets. Let your words reflect the sentiment.