Things Your Wedding Guests Will or Won't Remember

As you can imagine, the life of a Professional Wedding Guest can be a thankless job. The pay comes in the form of booze and food, which would offset the costs of this career choice if my name were Michael Phelps and I could consume 10,000 calories a day without gaining an ounce. Yet still I have been known to attend as many as two weddings in one day to celebrate the joys of matrimony. As a Professional Wedding Guest, I have amassed years of expertise and am qualified to give the following advice to brides and grooms-to-be. This is the single most valuable article you must read before you make your arrangements for the big day.

Things your guests will never remember about your wedding (so don't spend the money):

1. Cupid. With the exception of my mother Marge, Professional Wedding Critic, no one will notice let alone remember, the $350 ice sculpture of cupid melting precariously by the espresso bar. The only person who will benefit from this expenditure is the sculptor himself, who while trying to impress his logging friends will say, “Can you believe I get paid to chisel frozen water with a chainsaw?”
2. Shoes. Seriously. No one will glance at your shoes – nor care about the footwear of your bridal party. Long gone are the days of dyed fabric pumps in shades of teal and mauve. Also long gone is the trend of spending a zillion dollars on designer duds you will wear exactly one time. I moonlight as a part-time Bridal Attendant, so I can tell you that your bridesmaids do not like your taste of shoes and would rather pick a style that they like, in a price range they can handle.
3. Bridal Party Equality. When did “we have to make sure every single man, woman and child is accompanied by one person of the opposite sex while walking down the aisle” become the number one criteria of deciding who should be in the bridal party? While your cousin Pete, whom you haven’t seen since the age of 6 when he flushed your turtle down the toilet, may not admit he’s a bit surprised to be asked to be in your bridal party, I can assure you he is not only confused, but a bit put-off as well. You have just obligated him to spend hundreds of dollars in travel expenses, tux rental and a gift – not to mention he must now take time off work to make the rehearsal. All this so the bride’s best friend from Kindergarten won’t be mocked because she had to take 30 steps to the altar holding her flowers and the hand of the 4-year old ring-bearer. Unless you will have a nervous breakdown because the photo symmetry is askew, please pick your bridal party based on relationships, not appearances. Keep in mind, adding superfluous bodies will also cost you money in bridal party gifts and feeding more people at the rehearsal dinner.
4. Your invitations. There is nothing more beautiful than a gorgeous invitation with tri-fold pockets to hold all the pertinent information for your upcoming wedding. And as a Professional Wedding Guest, I can attest to the fact that there is nothing more exciting than needing kindling to start the fire in the wood stove, and finding a stack of old beautiful invitations to spark the flame. I know that you, bride and groom, will keep a copy of the invitation on the first page of your photo album, but out of the 200 printed, yours will be the only copy in existence 5 minutes after the event. This does not make it valuable unless your last name is “Presley” or “Pitt,” so save yourself some money and get (or make) elegant invitations in a single color that conveys the information without the exorbitant graphic design fee.
5. Flowers. This is important, no doubt. But elaborate does not equal more memorable. On the contrary, overdone floral arrangements that reach Venus make it difficult for all the Professional Bridal Guests at the tables to see each other. The added “bonus” of having one guest at each table take home the arrangement is not an incentive. Unless your guest can figure out a way to check the 50-pound- hydrangea-bouquet in baggage check at the airport, those flowers will be left for the maid at the hotel. Think simple, single stalk blooms in bold colors. You’ll save hundreds of dollars and won’t cry when you see someone tipping the valet with your crystal vase.

Things your guests will remember:

1. The Food. Let me clarify. The quality of the food. Professional Wedding Guests, and my mother Marge, Professional Wedding Critic, would much rather have two choices of superb gourmet fare than twelve choices of sub-standard banquet favorites. Scale back on the cocktail hour selection and go up a couple of notches on the main course. Instead of choosing the grilled salmon, ordered only by vegetarians and perpetual dieters, offer the pepper-encrusted sea bass.
2. The Favors. We spent a lot of money to attend your wedding. We endured the chicken dance for your benefit. We politely listened to your inebriated best man slur on about myverybestfriendinthewholewideworldwhousedtodokegstandsismarriedhowtotallyawesome. We stopped eating our dinner to watch you eat cake. And we put up with Uncle Ricky’s droning on about the fascinating industry of window replacement products. It has been a long night and we want something that says, “thanks.” Personalized M & Ms or a statuette of two doves kissing with “forever in love Mike and Michelle” inscribed across the ribbon is not what we had in mind. Something we can enjoy, without having to pretend we really wanted another 2”x3” picture frame. Instant gratification in the form of fine chocolate. Sure, go ahead and donate money to a charitable cause in our names, just make sure it comes with a chocolate truffle attached.
3. The music. As nice as it would be to cater to the diverse tastes of every guest in attendance, it just isn’t possible. However, everyone from Great Aunt Nancy to Marge, Professional Wedding Critic, loves a good spin on the dance floor. As long as the music has a beat you can dance to, everyone will be up and moving. Too many slow dances or long stretches of dinner music will put people to sleep and no matter how upbeat the music gets an hour after dinner, the people you have lost will not return. Start the dance tunes right from the top, even if it means delaying or even omitting some of those long held wedding traditions (seriously, does anyone still take time out to throw the bouquet?).
4. The bar. This is as shallow as it gets, but an unfortunate truth. If you must cut back on something, do not choose alcohol. Unless you are throwing a wedding where alcohol violates religious beliefs, you need to have an open bar. If money is an issue, keep the beer and wine flowing and charge only for mixed drinks. There is no skirting this topic. Do not penalize all of your guests because of your worrisome old Uncle Teddy who just returned from a bender. Simply inform the bartender of potential problems, and let everyone else enjoy themselves. Trust me, my mother isn’t the only Professional Wedding Critic out there, and this is a button you don’t want to push.
5. You. If you remember nothing else, remember this. Somewhere over the years, the tradition of the bride and groom visiting each and every guest has faded away. We did not jump in a rented RV in Omaha, stopping only once to sleep in a Wal-Mart parking lot on our way to your wedding in Sacramento, to look at you from a distance. If that’s all we were interested in, we’d view your album on Kodak Easy-Share. Say “hello & thanks for coming” to every person in that room, even though Cousin Louie is clanking his glass for the 98^th time forcing you to kiss each other until your lips crack. Nothing else means more to the people who love you than a personal visit. We don’t expect a conversation on the presidential race, just a heartfelt greeting and hug will do.