We’re Not Married…We Just Play Husband and Wife on TV

If real weddings were like TV weddings, we’d certainly live in a more exciting world. Just for fun, here’s a list of how nuptials would be (for) better, (for) worse, or the same…if there were five cameras, a director, and gaffer present at every wedding.

For Better…

1. There would always be something to talk about. The typical wedding for any happy couple should be one of the most memorable days in their lifetime. But, with the exception of close family and friends, the average Professional Wedding Guest will forget the details (like the date, place, year and couple’s names) over time. However, if we were to attend a typical TV wedding, then forever burned in our memories would be when the ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/jilted lover/post-office employee screamed “I object” while sliding down the aisle just seconds before the minister pronounced the couple husband and wife. Or better still for the memories, if the husband-to-be said (gasp) the wrong name during his vows!

2. Money would be no object. If I were to put a monetary value on a typical TV wedding, I’d say it falls somewhere between $100,000 and a kazillion dollars (give or take). The cost of a wedding gown alone could send every 18-year old in the entire state of Rhode Island to Harvard. For eight years. How wonderful to just snap your fingers and have 12-people from wardrobe custom-make the most stunning gown money can buy – or your figure could afford. You probably would have a good shot at having Coldplay perform at the reception!

3. Everyone would know each other. There would be no awkward introductions around the table at dinner. You would already know everyone at the wedding because everyone in the town (hospital/apartment complex/school/deserted island) would be there. And of course, it goes without saying that you would already know everyone in the town (hospital/apartment complex/school/deserted island).

For Worse…

1. Chances of tragedy would increase dramatically. Statistically speaking, there is approximately a 98.7% chance that something will go wrong in a TV wedding. Out of those incidents, approximately 69.7% will end in death. Your risk of deadly fires, tornados, volcanoes, assassinations, hostage take-downs, fist fights and devil possessions go up 9-fold in a TV wedding, therefore making marriage more of a risk than it already is. Eloping (to Vegas - of course) is no different, as your chances of being kidnapped or lost in a poker game is virtually guaranteed.

2. The wedding would be over in 22 minutes. Perhaps some would classify this as an improvement, but for those who are notoriously late, this is a huge detriment. If you were to place a value on the gift you brought proportionate to the time you attended the wedding, it would cost you something like $8/minute – a pretty horrible return on your investment.

3. You wouldn’t get to eat. When have you ever seen someone at a TV wedding actually eat anything? Pretzels at the bar consumed by a dejected ex-lover does not count. All that effort of picking out the right dress and doing up your hair perfectly wouldn’t even land you a crab cake. However, there is always plenty of alcohol to go around, though it’s often implied rather than actually consumed.

How things would be the same…

1. The soon-to-be in-laws would still interfere. Conflicts arise both on the screen and in real life when two families collide. Opinions on how things should be done, who should pay, what color the napkins should be and who should attend - seem to transcend the 52” HD screen right into your real living room.

2. Unresolved conflicts rise to the top. If TV couples or real life couples haven’t discussed their own versions of the future (or the past), it will become painfully obvious before the wedding, during the wedding and after the wedding. The end result will be the same; though on TV it will involve a lot of glass-breaking.

3. People will love the wedding or hate the wedding. The benefit is that if your guests hate your real life wedding, you don’t have to worry about being canceled or replaced by another hospital drama (though your gifts may not be as nice). As long as you are happy, then it’s all good.

What is your favorite TV wedding of all time? It can be sit-com (Monica and Chandler), primetime drama (Alex and Izzy), soap opera (Luke and Laura) or anything in between. Feel free to comment and don’t forget to enter the Year of Chocolate Contest in the post below. You only have a few more weeks!