Tales of the Professional Wedding Guest

Wedding Stats

2009-11-25T11:02:00.005-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving and welcome to the hard, cold facts of weddings. Just for fun, and an easy read, take a look at these interesting (though not always surprising) stats to see where your wedding planning stands:

Top Wedding Songs:
1. Nothing Compares to You - Sinead O'Connor
2. Close to You - Maxi Priest
3. Power of Love - Jennifer Rush

Most Popular Months to get married:
1. June
2. August

Most Popular Wedding Color:
Blue

Percentage of Weddings which are "traditional":
55%

Percentage labeled "extravagant":
4%

Percentage of Bride's Parents who pay for at least some of the wedding:
55%

Percentage of Brides and Grooms who pay for at least some of their wedding:
77%

Average Engagement Time:
17 months

Most Expensive Part of Wedding:
Reception - just over $14,000
Second - photography & videography - just over $3,600

Percentage of couples who plan a honeymoon:
99%

Average cost:
$3,800

Weddings Performed in Vegas Annually:
115,000

Weddings Performed in Hawaii:
20,000

Average age of Brides:
26

Grooms:
28

Average Guests in Attendance:
175

We’re Not Married…We Just Play Husband and Wife on TV

2009-08-10T15:20:00.002-04:00

If real weddings were like TV weddings, we’d certainly live in a more exciting world. Just for fun, here’s a list of how nuptials would be (for) better, (for) worse, or the same…if there were five cameras, a director, and gaffer present at every wedding.

For Better…

1. There would always be something to talk about. The typical wedding for any happy couple should be one of the most memorable days in their lifetime. But, with the exception of close family and friends, the average Professional Wedding Guest will forget the details (like the date, place, year and couple’s names) over time. However, if we were to attend a typical TV wedding, then forever burned in our memories would be when the ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/jilted lover/post-office employee screamed “I object” while sliding down the aisle just seconds before the minister pronounced the couple husband and wife. Or better still for the memories, if the husband-to-be said (gasp) the wrong name during his vows!

2. Money would be no object. If I were to put a monetary value on a typical TV wedding, I’d say it falls somewhere between $100,000 and a kazillion dollars (give or take). The cost of a wedding gown alone could send every 18-year old in the entire state of Rhode Island to Harvard. For eight years. How wonderful to just snap your fingers and have 12-people from wardrobe custom-make the most stunning gown money can buy – or your figure could afford. You probably would have a good shot at having Coldplay perform at the reception!

3. Everyone would know each other. There would be no awkward introductions around the table at dinner. You would already know everyone at the wedding because everyone in the town (hospital/apartment complex/school/deserted island) would be there. And of course, it goes without saying that you would already know everyone in the town (hospital/apartment complex/school/deserted island).

For Worse…

1. Chances of tragedy would increase dramatically. Statistically speaking, there is approximately a 98.7% chance that something will go wrong in a TV wedding. Out of those incidents, approximately 69.7% will end in death. Your risk of deadly fires, tornados, volcanoes, assassinations, hostage take-downs, fist fights and devil possessions go up 9-fold in a TV wedding, therefore making marriage more of a risk than it already is. Eloping (to Vegas - of course) is no different, as your chances of being kidnapped or lost in a poker game is virtually guaranteed.

2. The wedding would be over in 22 minutes. Perhaps some would classify this as an improvement, but for those who are notoriously late, this is a huge detriment. If you were to place a value on the gift you brought proportionate to the time you attended the wedding, it would cost you something like $8/minute – a pretty horrible return on your investment.

3. You wouldn’t get to eat. When have you ever seen someone at a TV wedding actually eat anything? Pretzels at the bar consumed by a dejected ex-lover does not count. All that effort of picking out the right dress and doing up your hair perfectly wouldn’t even land you a crab cake. However, there is always plenty of alcohol to go around, though it’s often implied rather than actually consumed.

How things would be the same…

1. The soon-to-be in-laws would still interfere. Conflicts arise both on the screen and in real life when two families collide. Opinions on how things should be done, who should pay, what color the napkins should be and who should attend - seem to transcend the 52” HD screen right into your real living room.

2. Unresolved conflicts rise to the top. If TV couples or real life couples haven’t discussed their own versions of the future (or the past), it will become painfully obvious before the wedding, during the wedding and after the wedding. The end result will be the same; though on TV it will involve a lot of glass-breaking.

3. People will love the wedding or hate the wedding. The benefit is that if your guests hate your real life wedding, you don’t have to worry about being canceled or replaced by another hospital drama (though your gifts may not be as nice). As long as you are happy, then it’s all good.

What is your favorite TV wedding of all time? It can be sit-com (Monica and Chandler), primetime drama (Alex and Izzy), soap opera (Luke and Laura) or anything in between. Feel free to comment and don’t forget to enter the Year of Chocolate Contest in the post below. You only have a few more weeks!

A Non-Profit Wedding?

2009-07-01T08:38:00.002-04:00

We're in a recession. How many times have you heard that in the last 12 months? People are repairing their cars instead of trading them in; remodeling their homes instead of moving; and not surprisingly, scaling down their weddings (except the wedding cakes of course; read the post below). It's a time of going green, which is becoming more about simplifying our lives than our impact on the environment.

So I, The Professional Wedding Guest, am proposing a most outlandish idea: A non-profit wedding.

Hear me out.

Maybe you and your fiance have a pet cause - whether it be rehabing old houses; rescuing animals; advocating cancer research; or recycling styrofoam peanuts. Whatever it may be - however obscure or broad the cause - how about turning your wedding into a fundraiser?

Anyone who has ever planned or attended a fundraiser knows the drill. You ask for donations, which may be in the form of cash or in-kind goods and services. In return, you give the donor publicity. You can even ask the help of the non-profit-of-choice to make some calls on your behalf. With some out-of-the-box thinking, you might be able to get aspects of your wedding donated. Think wedding gown, catering hall, flowers, tuxedoes. The list is endless. And instead of a DJ, you get a local radio station to sponsor the event, with a live broadcast. The station plays the music, live at your wedding, with a few minutes every hour devoted to promoting the cause and the generous donors.

The upside - you are doing something huge for a good cause, not to mention getting a free or close to free wedding. The downside - all the wedding gifts (translation: cash) you would have been receiving, will instead go to the charity of choice. But without the usual wedding expenses, you will not have 5 years of credit-card bills to pay off - nor will you have to honeymoon in Lincoln Nebraska, the only place you can afford to go.

It will also inspire a world of creativity you never knew lied dormant inside of you. Wedding tee-shirts for every guest with the logo of all the major donors. Publicity in the form of a feature news story rather than a 2-paragraph wedding announcement in the back of the Life section of your local paper.

Crazy idea at first. But the more you think about it...the more you like it. Right now you're saying to yourself, "You know...we could use the news footage to edit a wedding video..."

Professional Wedding Guests will have something to talk about for years, and you will have a lasting memory that will go well beyond Aunt Sally making a fool of herself or the ring bearer tripping over his shoe laces. Just think about it.

****You can still enter the Year of Chocolate Contest - submit your comments to that post below.*******

THE YEAR OF CHOCOLATE CONTEST

2009-06-03T10:36:00.003-04:00

THE YEAR OF CHOCOLATE CONTEST IS OFFICIALLY CLOSED! CHECK BACK NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT WHO THE LUCKY WINNER IS! THANKS ALL FOR YOUR COMMENTS.

How does one box of truffles every month for a year delivered to your mailbox sound to you?

Just enter the Year of Chocolate Contest right here on Tales of the Professional Wedding Guest blog for your chance to win a 4-piece box of Barkeater Chocolates' Truffles for 12 months.

To enter - simply submit an answer to the question: What would my life be without chocolate?

Bonus - if you post a link to this contest on your blog - then add a comment on this blog with the link info - your name will be entered twice once the link is verified!

The Fine Print: Contest is open from June 3, 2009-September 3, 2009. No comments received after midnight, EST on September 3rd will be considered. Winner will be chosen at random on or about September 6, 2009. Winner will be notified via the email address provided by the winner no later than September 10, 2009. The winner will have 7 days from the date of notification to provide a shipping address. Failure to do so will result in a forfeit of the prize. One 4-piece box of truffles will be sent out the first week of every month beginning with October, 2009 - with the last shipment being September, 2010. Flavors are at the sole discretion of Barkeater Chocolates. Barkeater Chocolates will not be held responsible for delays in shipping or packages exposed to direct sunlight, improper handling, or inclement weather conditions. No purchase necessary. Contest entries restricted to the contiguous United States of America only.

The $3,300 Wedding Cake

2009-05-22T13:26:00.003-04:00

This story comes courtesy of my mother, Marge, Professional Wedding Critic.

A mother and father pay for their daughter's wedding, which is planned for the fall. In an effort to combat the economy and keep their retirement savings in tact, they opt for a Thursday evening wedding. The wedding package is irresistable. Prices are nearly half price and include absolutely every detail, including the wedding cake. It's the only way the parents can give their daughter a classy wedding in an expensive area of the country. True, Thursday is a difficult day for some to get to the wedding, and true again, far flung Professional Wedding Guests will grumble at the inconvenience caused by traveling on a weeknight. Nonetheless, it is obvious that this family is doing all they can to make ends meet. With the extra money they saved, they're able to pay for the grumbling PWG's overnight accomodations at a nearby hotel; as well as, breakfast for said guests the next day. OK - so they're not so grumpy anymore.

What does the daughter and her beloved do with the extra money that they're not spending on the wedding? Do they pay for their Caribbean honeymoon? Well, yes, sort of. They pay for the airfare and room, but fall short on add-on activities like watersports, tours, and special dinners. And why do they fall short? Is it because of the downpayment on their new home? Rent on their new apartment? Contribution to their IRA's? IS IT BECAUSE OF NEW FURNITURE, AT THE VERY LEAST?

In an overly cliched word...no.

The money, as the title of this post suggests, will go to a wedding cake. Not just any cake, mind you. But an ACE OF CAKES wedding cake; which, if you've ever once flipped on the Food Network, you would have seen the most amazing team of pastry-artists ever put on this earth. If you put Michaelangelo in an apron and placed a pastry brush and rolled fondant in his hands, you would have an Ace of Cakes masterpiece. They've done cakes for celebrity galas, huge corporate events and now, a young newlywed couple somewhere on Long Island.

The cake will be amazing, no doubt. It will be a recreation of tropical Mexico, complete with a bridge, replica of Cancun, white caps and tourists, including - you guessed it - the bride and groom. No doubt, a feature segment on the show. Here's the kicker - part of the $3,300 is for delivery of this work of art. So, to save the delivery fee, the bride's aunt will pick up the cake in Maryland and transport it to New York.

In an SUV.

With her husband, her bags, her gift, and whatever else she needs to lug for a full-day of driving.

Which of course begs the questions, "What if...just what if...she gets into a car accident? Or slams on her brakes? Or hits a pothole? Or drives over the speed limit? What if she stops at a rest area for a lunch break and it's unseasonably warm?" Is this for real????

To take this outrageousness to a whole new level, the couple has placed on their registry - all the add-ons they couldn't afford on their honeymoon - in hopes that in addition to 4 wine goblets, some unsuspecting wedding guest will also purchase a day of parasailing.

If you're reading this post and thinking, "Wow - I never thought of that! You mean Ace of Cakes can do my wedding cake too? How reasonable!" Then you're reading the wrong blog. If instead, you see the complete insanity of this couple's seriously misplaced priorities, then thank your parents for raising you correctly. And thank goodness you have the good sense to accept the cake in the wedding package that the banquet hall has offered you.

Predicted time until divorce: 2.5 years. We'll keep you posted....

Working on the Marriage Before the Wedding

2009-05-06T10:31:00.006-04:00

Will the Marriage Last? Of course, all engaged couples believe their love is the exception to all statistics and trends...but the truth is, many marriages will fail. A Professional Wedding Guest is keenly tuned in to the signs, and can predict to within a month when a particular marriage will crumble. Cynical? Maybe...but rarely are we wrong. Those signs, sadly enough, are apparent on the wedding day.

The first sign: The bride and groom dance without looking at each other at all. They look around the room, signal to their friends, maybe do the obligatory head on the shoulder for a nanosecond, then resume their scanning of the hall. It shows us that there is no intimacy between the couple, and that the mere effort of making eye-contact is too strenous to endure. We also might assume that you have gotten into a rather large fight and have yet to make up. That speaks volumes. Married time prediction: 5 years. Times proven right: 1

The second sign: The bride and/or groom shove cake into their loved one's face. We're not talking a playful little dot of cream on the nose; we're talking full-fledged-cake-as-a-second- layer-of-make-up-shove. If I were a trained psychologist, which I am not, I would say it was symptom of passive-aggressive behavior and the bride or groom is transferring his/her deep-seeded resentment and anger into the cake and thus, onto the new spouse. Married time prediction: 2 years. Times proven right: 3.

The third sign: The bride and/or groom spends more time at the bar throwing back shots of Jack Daniels than with the new spouse. Even worse - one half of the wedded couple actually did this before the wedding. Do I really need to interpret this behavior? Married time prediction: 3 years. Times proven right: 2.

The fourth sign: Neither side is willing to visit the other side's friends or family. At one wedding that I attended as a PWG, I had never met the bride. Six hours later, on my way home, I still hadn't met the bride. Married time prediction: 18 months. Actual: 11 months.

This is not to say that you should both prep to avoid these wedding danger signs...they are unavoidable if the foundation of your relationship was built on assumptions and pre-conceived notions based on a few episodes of Desperate Housewives. But, the marriage can be made solid and last forever IF you both spend more time working on the marriage BEFORE you plan the wedding.

Ask and openly discuss these simple questions:

1. How many children do you want? If it's the difference between 2 and 3, you're in good shape. If the answers are something like: just a cat, and 12 - this is a serious discrepancy that will never be overcome.

2. Who will handle the bills? Follow-up questions: Joint account or separate accounts or both? It does not work - ever - if two people think they are both in charge of making sure the electric bill is paid. Chances are, you'll be reading in the dark. If you shared living arrangements before the wedding, did you have a joint account or was it divided up equally? Do you expect that to change? Does your future spouse?

3. Where will you live? It's whimsical and romantic to think that you'll go anywhere life takes you, but this outlook is always destined for failure. Does he think he's moving next door to his parents? Does she think she's living in her college-town the rest of her life? You needn't decide on the color of the bathroom, but you do need to know if one of you has a vastly different view of happily-ever-after. Even if you lived together before the marriage - that doesn't mean you'll end up there for the rest of your lives. Goals are an important part of one's relationship.

4. Gender-specific chores? You may think he's enlightened and is willing to dust, but unless you've witnessed this in action - you don't know for sure. Can she change the oil on the lawn-mower? Do you expect her to? What about after the kids are born? This is not a time to make a chore list with little checkmarks proving the job has been done. This is a time to discuss your expectations and willingness to compromise. We tend to believe that the way we grew up is the way it will always be. Maybe your father always handled the barbeque - but if your future-husband lived in a 4th floor apartment all his life - he may not be up on the latest Bobby Flay grilling techniques.

5. What role will faith and religion play in your lives? Will those views change once you have children? If you are both of different religions, it can certainly work out, and has in many instances. But only if you discuss this ahead of time. Do you expect the other person to convert to your religion? Do you expect the children to be raised as you were? And if you both share the same religion, how faithful are you? Does he expect to go to church every Sunday while she views Sundays as her day to sleep-in? This division will be more apparent as the years go on, especially if your level of faith deepens.

6. Intimacy. If what goes on in bed is bad, it's 90% of the marriage. If it's good, it's 10% of the marriage. These issues need to be discussed now. All the past baggage, pre-conceived notions, and what happens if one of you is not satisfied have to be thrown on the table and figured out. Dissatisfaction with your romantic life leads to infidelity, which brings about another question - are you willing to forgive your spouse for cheating on you?

7. What role will your friends play? Do you like each other's friends? If the answer is a resounding "no," your marriage will have troubles immediately. Do you have joint friends or is everything separate? Will you visit your friends only on your lunch hour or expect to have them over every weekend? Time with friends is important and encouraged, but using your friends to avoid your spouse is one step behind calling a lawyer.

The bottom line is this: first be honest with yourself, then be honest with your future husband or wife. Marriage should be a lifetime commitment, and getting a divorce is messy and painful. If you think you can live with him throwing his dirty socks on the coffee table, then you'll be fine. If you think you can live with him being an atheist while you were an altar server for 10 years, then you need to look hard at why you're still considering a lifetime commitment with this person.

Tackle these issues now, and you'll be in for an lifetime of happiness and a wedding that no Professional Wedding Guest will be able to analyze.

Break Tradition – Save Money!

2009-04-10T08:41:00.000-04:00

If you want a carefully choreographed wedding that reads more like a well orchestrated to-do list broken down to the minute, then stick with tradition. If you want to actually enjoy your wedding, then it’s time to tell all your well-meaning family members, even the ones coming from Holland who expect an 18th century clog-dance, to let it go.

In fact, it will be a great relief to your guests, Professional Ones included, to change it up. Surprise us with something new - or better still, with nothing old. The typical wedding reception reads something like this:

4:01 Enter bridal party

4:07 Bride and groom dance to carefully selected wedding song

4:09 Bridal party pairs up, many of whom will never see each other again, and dance the remaining notes of your special song.

4:11 Someone clanks a glass, followed by others, forcing the bride and groom to kiss.

4:13 Best man makes a toast.

4:17 Guests laugh uncomfortably at the best man, who clearly didn’t read this blog first, and made a complete moron of himself in front of 150 people.

4:18 Some idiot clanks a glass.

And on it goes. Go this route, and you’ll spend your honeymoon waking up in a cold sweat each night screaming, “Electric Slide. Now – Damn it!”

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve written a lot about the importance of tradition, and certain ones, like “You may now kiss the bride,” should never go out of style. But when a wedding becomes so rote that even the flower girl knows the words to that inane cake-cutting version of The Farmer in the Dell, the wedding has become unmemorable. Why must I, the Professional Wedding Guest, wait three hours into your reception to dance for the first time? And why must you, the bride and groom, have to be on auto-pilot the entire night?

If being memorable isn’t enough to make you stand up and say “I’m not going to let those
savages lift me up on a chair!” then do it for your pocketbook.

· Ask 50 strangers on the street if they drink the champagne at a wedding and I guarantee that 47 will say “no.” The other 3 wouldn’t know the difference if you poured champagne imported from France or Schaefer Lite imported from Milwaukee. The banquet halls are “including” this in the package, but make no mistake – you are paying a premium for this perk. By omitting this entirely, you will not only save money, but save your Uncle Vito from knocking over his glass onto Cousin Greta’s sheer organza gown in his zealous effort to reach the bread basket.

· The cake is another place that could mean the difference between affording a honeymoon in Barbados or one in Newark. Many bakeries will now decorate the best 5-tiered Styrofoam cake money can buy (but not too much money) that will look stunning but won’t melt in the window. The top layer will be real – just in case you can’t do away with the whole “The Bride Cuts the Cake…” but the rest of the cake is in sheets in the back room. That is, if you even want to serve the cake. Ask those same 50 strangers about the cake, and most likely they’ll confess that they would much prefer a cookie or gourmet truffle over a piece of wedding cake. Money saved – lots!

· Centerpieces are beautiful indeed, but a huge expense. Ask your favors to do double duty as centerpieces, and you’ll save hundreds of dollars. A basket in the center can be filled with anything from fine chocolate in small boxes to jars of hot fudge. Add tulle that can be bought for a few dollars at a craft store, throw in silk greens, and instant centerpiece. Another idea is to purchase inexpensive candle holders and candles from the dollar store, light them in a circle in the center of the table, and at the end of the night, everyone takes one home. It’s elegant and practical at the same time.

Bottom line is that you don’t need to follow someone else’s script to have a memorable wedding, and you certainly don’t need to spend money on traditions that have no personal meaning to you. This is your special day – do whatever works for you.

Four Weddings and a Funeral

2009-03-02T14:04:00.002-05:00

Having recently attended a wake and funeral approximately 5 hours from home, I realized just how similar the two events can be. Sure, one marks the beginning of a new life and one marks the end (I'll let the pessimists and the optimists duke it out as to which is which) - but both have many significant items in common.

Traits that both weddings and funerals share:

1. They can be ridiculously expensive
2. Attendees may travel many hours to get there - requiring overnight accommodations
3. In most cases, guests pick out their outfits with care
4. Depending on your relationships, they are both emotionally charged with both laughter and tears
5. They offer opportunities to reconnect with family and friends
6. There is usually an overabundance of food and beverage
7. Someone is chosen to speak publicly about the guest(s) of honor
8. There will be feelings of loss
9. Enough flowers to require double-doses of Claritin
10. Some sort of religious ceremony

I could go on for several pages about other commonalities, but to do so would water down the message, which is: take nothing for granted, and worry less about the material items and more about creating a life together worth remembering.

Bridesmaids' Dresses

2009-02-02T11:16:00.002-05:00

Girlfriends share everything from ice cream to clothes to tears. And from an early age (somewhere around 8), they have already selected the members of their bridal party. The Plan will include a groom (TBD), the rings, the cake and of course, the dresses that each best friend will wear. The plan often evolves from puffy pink princess gowns with tiaras to sleek black cocktail dresses, with every variation in between. Just prior to meeting the Real Groom (as opposed to the 8-year old version of Pretend Groom), the girlfriends make a pact to be as close as they are at that very moment, and to pinkie-swear that the bridesmaids' dresses chosen for every one of their weddings will be sleek, affordable and trendy. They will fit perfectly right off the rack and make every last one of them look like a supermodel.

Then the transformation begins. It starts when the first friend gets engaged. The new bride-to-be becomes obsessed with minutia (green napkins? do-it-yourself invitations? should Dad's new 24-year old girlfriend be invited? roses? top-shelf bar? will Auntie Bernadette drink herself into a coma?). Slowly, bits of information she once stored in her memory bank begin to disappear. First she forgets where she put her car keys. Later, she forgets what her car looks like. Finally, she forgets what a car is used for. It is a slow decent into Wedding Purgatory and with it comes countless casualties. The Plan slowly disappears.

Not being able to remember her middle name, the bride must look to outside counselors for advice and direction. And while the bride is aware that she has chosen a bridal party, she is not sure who they are and how she even knows them. This is why Bad Bridal Party Wedding Gown Syndrome happens.

The bride is at the mercy of a well-meaning bridal shop owner, a mother (who always felt her precious daughter was a dead ringer for Princess Di), and some other female family member who the bride was obligated to put in her wedding party but whose only agenda is to make herself look good, at all costs - even if this is not physically possible. The bride's brain has been replaced by something similar in consistency to tapioca pudding, and because of this she has long since forgotten The Plan.

Enter lavender empire-waisted-rayon floor-length gowns with lace trim and spaghetti straps. Enter a price-tag of $384 each. Enter 5 former-girlfriends with a voodoo doll in the bride's likeness. Enter a photographer who captures 167 photos of pissed-off bridesmaids with phony smiles and really unflattering dresses.

There is a solution. It's not my original idea, but as a Professional Wedding Guest, I have seen it live and in action and can attest to its simplicity and beauty.

Bride: Take your friends, along with your mother and the surly female family member you were obligated to put in your wedding party - to the bridal shop and pick out a color and fabric. Tell your friends to pick out whatever dress they want in that exact color and fabric. This is not a difficult task. Many designers make several styles of dresses in the same color/fabric. Let go of the notion that everyone has to have the same length, straps, neckline or waist. Every single bridesmaid has different measurements and I promise you they will not all look good in the same dress. They are footing the bill, roll with it! The result is stunning and interesting. Each woman will feel great about herself and it will be reflected in the way she walks down the aisle and in all 167 photos. This makes perfect sense if one of your bridesmaid's is pregnant, or determined to lose 50 pounds, or a child that will certainly grow in 6 months.

Most importantly, it takes the responsibility off of you, and allows a megabyte of space in your brain to free up and focus on something else. Like, what size heel should your shoes have? Make it your goal to put a stop to Bad Bridal Party Wedding Gown Syndrome - one wedding at a time.

The Toast

2009-01-21T14:11:00.003-05:00

Nothing is quite as memorable (or occasionally infamous) as the toast. And in modern weddings, it's not uncommon to sit through toasts by the best man, maid-of-honor, father-of-the-bride, mother-of-the-bride, the bride herself, the minister, the caterer, the bus-boy and the limo driver. So, I've compiled some tips as only I, The Professional Wedding Guest, have the expertise to do.

1. Write the toast ahead of time, but for the love of all-things-matrimonial, please do not read it verbatim. Until banquet halls start offering tele-prompt-er packages, no good can come from a drawn-out speech read into your palm while balancing a glass of the best bubbly with the other. There's no better way to put an entire room to sleep than to read your toast in a monotone voice. Bullet points on cue cards are OK - but if you can't memorize the gist of it, then abort and start again.

2. The champagne should be sipped after the toast. The bottle should not be drained (by you) before the toast. There are about 136 people in the room with video capabilities on their cell phones, and they're not afraid to use them! You will be on youtube before the bride cuts the cake, and it won't be pretty. Stay sober, at least through your toast, and speak clearly.

3. Good-natured roasting is not only funny, but encouraged. Who doesn't like a good rip about the groom's overactive sweat glands? However, mean-spirited bashing of the bride and groom is rude and offensive. You may think it would be a complete riot to talk about the groom's past indiscretions with the cheer leading squad at your old alma-mater, but I can assure you that nobody else would. Chances are, if you go that route, your ties with the new couple will be severed forever. Not to mention, payback is guaranteed. You may not think these things through now - but you should.

4. Quick and to the point. Please. We Professional Wedding Guests should not have to hire a professional trainer 2 months before the wedding to build up our triceps in order to keep that increasingly heavier glass of champagne above our shoulders for 30 minutes straight. Speak from the heart - just do it in a timely fashion.

5. And speaking from the heart is where it all comes together. This is not about YOU. You are not auditioning for Last Comic Standing. It does not matter how witty or well-spoken you are, only that you mean what you say. Remember, you were chosen because of your relationship to the bride and/or groom. That's as special as it gets. Let your words reflect the sentiment.

Welcome Package

2008-11-12T13:39:00.004-05:00

There is a trend that seems as if it's been around forever, but has only gained mainstream popularity in the last decade or so. If you have traveled for a wedding in recent years and checked into the hotel listed on your invitation, you would have most likely been greeted by a welcome package. And nothing says "welcome" to a weary traveler with motion sickness or jet lag than a little acknowledgment from the happy couple in the form of a filled-bag (or basket, box, empty shoe, flower pot, whatever). Suddenly the previous six hours stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic before the $7.00 bridge toll seem to evaporate quicker than the water on your guest's rain-soaked windshield.

While money may be an object, this is a gracious touch that should not be overlooked. You needn't spend a fortune on the packages, but you must put some effort into the endeavor. Here is a list of things that a Professional Wedding Guest such as myself will look for:

1. Food. Chances are, your guests didn't pack a whole lot of food for the trip, especially if taking an airplane where they had to dump their remaining 4-ounces of water before boarding. Think quick energy. This is important as check-in times for hotels tend to be right around the time your guests are supposed to be leaving for your ceremony. There will be no time to hit a drive-in, and if like most weddings, there's a large gap of time between the ceremony and the cocktail hour, it could be hours before your guest gets a bite. Protein bars, crackers, fruit, cheese, and even chocolate are a good way to get your cranky travelers over the hump. Make sure to include bottled water or juice to the mix.
2. Small Gift. Yes, I know you shouldn't have to give a gift, but why not show a little token of your appreciation by including something just for your guest. This could be as simple as an inexpensive bottle of wine (or even mini-bottles), to a small handmade craft. People especially enjoy local items. Speaking of local, many brides and grooms litter their welcome packages with tourist information, most of which end up lining a landfill somewhere. Unless you are getting married in the Bahamas, we are not working our week-long vacation around your wedding. I can assure you that we are not interested in historic sites in or around Rome, New York. A small list of eateries or places to pick up miscellaneous sundries forgotten in our haste to pack is all that is necessary.
3. Interesting Facts about the Couple. This is a cute idea and will make all of your guests, even the most obscure ones, feel a deeper connection to you upon your wedding day. Tell us how you met, where you both grew up, and how the first meeting with the soon-to-be in-laws went. Make it funny and humble and let us relate to you.
4. Coupon or Gift Certificate. Just $5 of our next Quizno's sub is all we need to feel appreciated. Or pay for our parking at the hotel. Remember, your guests have traveled far enough to need to shell out the money for a hotel, and it's almost a certainty that it's not the same chain we have accrued 3-million rewards-points for.

Spending $15-$20 per room should be included in your overall budget, and will go a long way to pleasing your guests.

Desserts!

2008-10-20T15:45:00.003-04:00

Nothing scores points with a Professional Wedding Guest as easily as dessert. Yes, the cake is important. Out with old cardboard tasting yellow cakes with fake-whipped cream and rolled fondant; in with raspberry tiered tortes and lemon chiffon masterpieces. But the cake is expected. It's supposed to be there and served in between renditions of Wonderful Tonight and Brown-Eyed Girl. But to be brave and put out something so magnificent, so mouthwatering, so unique...will keep your guests talking about your wedding for years to come. A platter of truffles, cookies, pastries or other miniature desserts to be passed around, family style, at all the tables is just the small touch that people appreciate even more than those sweet little gift baskets we receive when checking into our hotels. One recent wedding I attended actually did away with the wedding cake entirely, and replaced it with a tiered tower of brownies topped with chocolate covered strawberries and a make-your-own ice cream sundae bar. Genius!

The Money Bag

2008-10-09T12:39:00.002-04:00

If you're under 40 years old, you probably have never seen the money bag. Truthfully, I'm not sure anyone under the age of 60 has seen one in action. For those of you unfamiliar with the money bag, it's a silk pouch about the size of a greeting card (go figure) that brides are supposed to carry around with them to receive their gifts of money. Seen mostly in old Italian neighborhoods where gifts are still given in the form of actual cash and where bills may be removed throughout the night by the gift giver in the event that certain cultural norms have been violated, the money bag is a tradition that hasn't been the norm in quite some time. An example of a gift reduction penalty might be that your wedding ceremony wasn't a full Catholic mass held by a real ordained priest. Or perhaps your best man refused to kiss old Auntie May on the lips when she went through the receiving line. Such infractions would be sure to infuriate my mother Marge, Professional Wedding Critic, and she would not only remove a twenty-dollar bill from her gift card, but would do so at the microphone while the previously-referred-to best man was trying to give his speech.

Back to the money bag. In the last several decades, the money bag has been replaced by the silk covered mailbox or the intricately woven wishing well basket set on a gift table somewhere between the front door and wedding cake. It's usually provided by the banquet facility hosting your reception, but sometimes comes in the form of a gift at the bridal shower. The plus side of this change in tradition is that, blessedly, the bride does not have to visit each guest, pushing the silk bag in between the fork and the diner's mouth, in essence, to peddle for cash. Or, Heaven Forbid, if a guest did not actually bring a stack of bills in a card, but (gasp) brought an actual wrapped present that doesn't quite fit in the money bag, it saves everyone an awkward moment.

That said, there is something very upsetting about the money bag being out of fashion. Once we took away the incentive for the bride (and groom) to visit every guest, it seems the bride and groom didn't feel it necessary to visit every guest. Professional Wedding Guests and Professional Wedding Critics are saddened by this lack of basic etiquette and want to go on the record as saying, "enough is enough." No matter how much money you have spent on your wedding, and no matter how many people you never actually met before, including your stepfather's former boss at the widget company, say "hello, how nice of you to come," and move on to the next guest.

It may not mean extra money in the bag, but the kindness and gratefulness is worth it's weight in gold...and silk.

$25,000 Wedding Reception or Downpayment on Home?

2008-10-07T06:16:00.003-04:00

You can't escape the news. The sky is falling and leaving investors and homeowners scurrying into little tunnels under the ground to escape the debris. Before you seek therapy on how to avoid the financial crisis of late, take a moment to consider your real financial condition. Do you have investments in the stock market? How liquid are your assets? How much debt do you have? Is your job relatively safe?

Do you really need to dump tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding reception when you're still living in your grandmother's basement? And no, "but she's 10 years away from the nursing home and then it will be all mine," is not an answer.

Most newly engaged couples spend 12-18 months planning for one day. Even if parents are paying a portion of the bill, which is becoming more the exception than the rule, many hours of valuable time are spent determining how much of your valuable money should be spent. Somewhere on that honeymoon flight over the Atlantic, you and your new spouse will be sipping $10 champagne from a plastic glass wondering, what have we done? No, hopefully it won't be the marriage you regret; it will be the wedding. Credit card debt will ensure that any hopes you have for upgrading your current living conditions will be put off so far into the future that not even a science-fiction author can predict how the world will operate and whether or not cars can fly.

Before you plan the reception, plan for the week after your wedding and ask yourself where you want to be. If "stuck under a brick ceiling of revolving debt and ridiculously high credit card interest rates" then shoot for the moon! If your answer is a little different, then do some budgeting and figure out just how much you have to spend on your wedding day, and realistically plan for the rest of your life. Where you're going to live and how you're going to get there should be more of a priority than "should the flower girl wear a tiara or fairy wings?"

Things Your Wedding Guests Will or Won't Remember

2008-10-04T06:12:00.005-04:00

As you can imagine, the life of a Professional Wedding Guest can be a thankless job. The pay comes in the form of booze and food, which would offset the costs of this career choice if my name were Michael Phelps and I could consume 10,000 calories a day without gaining an ounce. Yet still I have been known to attend as many as two weddings in one day to celebrate the joys of matrimony. As a Professional Wedding Guest, I have amassed years of expertise and am qualified to give the following advice to brides and grooms-to-be. This is the single most valuable article you must read before you make your arrangements for the big day.

Things your guests will never remember about your wedding (so don't spend the money):

Cupid. With the exception of my mother Marge, Professional Wedding Critic, no one will notice let alone remember, the $350 ice sculpture of cupid melting precariously by the espresso bar. The only person who will benefit from this expenditure is the sculptor himself, who while trying to impress his logging friends will say, “Can you believe I get paid to chisel frozen water with a chainsaw?”
Shoes. Seriously. No one will glance at your shoes – nor care about the footwear of your bridal party. Long gone are the days of dyed fabric pumps in shades of teal and mauve. Also long gone is the trend of spending a zillion dollars on designer duds you will wear exactly one time. I moonlight as a part-time Bridal Attendant, so I can tell you that your bridesmaids do not like your taste of shoes and would rather pick a style that they like, in a price range they can handle.
Bridal Party Equality. When did “we have to make sure every single man, woman and child is accompanied by one person of the opposite sex while walking down the aisle” become the number one criteria of deciding who should be in the bridal party? While your cousin Pete, whom you haven’t seen since the age of 6 when he flushed your turtle down the toilet, may not admit he’s a bit surprised to be asked to be in your bridal party, I can assure you he is not only confused, but a bit put-off as well. You have just obligated him to spend hundreds of dollars in travel expenses, tux rental and a gift – not to mention he must now take time off work to make the rehearsal. All this so the bride’s best friend from Kindergarten won’t be mocked because she had to take 30 steps to the altar holding her flowers and the hand of the 4-year old ring-bearer. Unless you will have a nervous breakdown because the photo symmetry is askew, please pick your bridal party based on relationships, not appearances. Keep in mind, adding superfluous bodies will also cost you money in bridal party gifts and feeding more people at the rehearsal dinner.
Your invitations. There is nothing more beautiful than a gorgeous invitation with tri-fold pockets to hold all the pertinent information for your upcoming wedding. And as a Professional Wedding Guest, I can attest to the fact that there is nothing more exciting than needing kindling to start the fire in the wood stove, and finding a stack of old beautiful invitations to spark the flame. I know that you, bride and groom, will keep a copy of the invitation on the first page of your photo album, but out of the 200 printed, yours will be the only copy in existence 5 minutes after the event. This does not make it valuable unless your last name is “Presley” or “Pitt,” so save yourself some money and get (or make) elegant invitations in a single color that conveys the information without the exorbitant graphic design fee.
Flowers. This is important, no doubt. But elaborate does not equal more memorable. On the contrary, overdone floral arrangements that reach Venus make it difficult for all the Professional Bridal Guests at the tables to see each other. The added “bonus” of having one guest at each table take home the arrangement is not an incentive. Unless your guest can figure out a way to check the 50-pound- hydrangea-bouquet in baggage check at the airport, those flowers will be left for the maid at the hotel. Think simple, single stalk blooms in bold colors. You’ll save hundreds of dollars and won’t cry when you see someone tipping the valet with your crystal vase.

Things your guests will remember:

The Food. Let me clarify. The quality of the food. Professional Wedding Guests, and my mother Marge, Professional Wedding Critic, would much rather have two choices of superb gourmet fare than twelve choices of sub-standard banquet favorites. Scale back on the cocktail hour selection and go up a couple of notches on the main course. Instead of choosing the grilled salmon, ordered only by vegetarians and perpetual dieters, offer the pepper-encrusted sea bass.
The Favors. We spent a lot of money to attend your wedding. We endured the chicken dance for your benefit. We politely listened to your inebriated best man slur on about myverybestfriendinthewholewideworldwhousedtodokegstandsismarriedhowtotallyawesome. We stopped eating our dinner to watch you eat cake. And we put up with Uncle Ricky’s droning on about the fascinating industry of window replacement products. It has been a long night and we want something that says, “thanks.” Personalized M & Ms or a statuette of two doves kissing with “forever in love Mike and Michelle” inscribed across the ribbon is not what we had in mind. Something we can enjoy, without having to pretend we really wanted another 2”x3” picture frame. Instant gratification in the form of fine chocolate. Sure, go ahead and donate money to a charitable cause in our names, just make sure it comes with a chocolate truffle attached.
The music. As nice as it would be to cater to the diverse tastes of every guest in attendance, it just isn’t possible. However, everyone from Great Aunt Nancy to Marge, Professional Wedding Critic, loves a good spin on the dance floor. As long as the music has a beat you can dance to, everyone will be up and moving. Too many slow dances or long stretches of dinner music will put people to sleep and no matter how upbeat the music gets an hour after dinner, the people you have lost will not return. Start the dance tunes right from the top, even if it means delaying or even omitting some of those long held wedding traditions (seriously, does anyone still take time out to throw the bouquet?).
The bar. This is as shallow as it gets, but an unfortunate truth. If you must cut back on something, do not choose alcohol. Unless you are throwing a wedding where alcohol violates religious beliefs, you need to have an open bar. If money is an issue, keep the beer and wine flowing and charge only for mixed drinks. There is no skirting this topic. Do not penalize all of your guests because of your worrisome old Uncle Teddy who just returned from a bender. Simply inform the bartender of potential problems, and let everyone else enjoy themselves. Trust me, my mother isn’t the only Professional Wedding Critic out there, and this is a button you don’t want to push.
You. If you remember nothing else, remember this. Somewhere over the years, the tradition of the bride and groom visiting each and every guest has faded away. We did not jump in a rented RV in Omaha, stopping only once to sleep in a Wal-Mart parking lot on our way to your wedding in Sacramento, to look at you from a distance. If that’s all we were interested in, we’d view your album on Kodak Easy-Share. Say “hello & thanks for coming” to every person in that room, even though Cousin Louie is clanking his glass for the 98^th time forcing you to kiss each other until your lips crack. Nothing else means more to the people who love you than a personal visit. We don’t expect a conversation on the presidential race, just a heartfelt greeting and hug will do.